I had the bitter experience of falling for someone who didn’t want me in my younger and more vulnerable days. It was a miserable feeling. I know exactly how you feel. It took a heavy toll on my life for a couple of years. But now I know better. And with my knowledge, I am going to help you find out how to stop thinking about someone you can’t have.
In Short: Stop giving yourself false hopes. Focus on the facts. The fact is it’s not possible no matter how much you want it. There is no positive feeling from the other side, no matter what you think. If they cared about you at the slightest, will they put you in this position? Life is a larger picture that hardly depends on someone who doesn’t care the slightest for you.
Yeah, that’s the truth which is avoiding you. Also, remember, every person who loves you wants you to be happy. Is it practical to hurt those loving people for someone to whom your existence or happiness hardly matters? I don’t think so. And I know you agree with me on that. That’s why I will give you proper guidance on how to methodically get someone out of your mind.
How to Stop Thinking About Someone You Can’t Have
The following steps work for almost all types of people. Don’t feel discouraged if some steps don’t seem to go with your personality type. Try it on. It has worked on me.
Here are 9 steps to stop thinking about someone you can’t have-
- Distance Yourself from Them (If It’s Just Too Much)
- Stop Reading in Between the Lines.
- Don’t Give Yourself False Hopes.
- Stop Waiting for Them to Come Back.
- Beware of Gossipers. Talk to the Right People.
- See a Psychologist.
- See Other People Only if You Like It.
- Spend Time with People You Love.
- Realize It Takes Time to Heal.
Don’t worry. I am not going to leave with one-line solutions. Here are the detailed instructions for you. Read carefully.
1. Distance Yourself from Them (If It’s Just Too Much)
That’s the first and the most difficult and effective step. As much as you want to forget all about the one who broke your heart, you don’t want to get rid of them entirely. What if they change their mind about you when they see you constantly in front of them? Well, that’s just building a castle in the air.
You can’t ruin your life because of this seductive false hope. It’s unlikely to happen. The chance is slim. Destroying your mental peace and growth for that illusory hope your brain has created to fight off the pain is not practical, is it?
Let’s just fight with the pain in the most effective way- by going through it. When you create a distance between you and that person, you give yourself a clean break. The pain of “never-happening” covers you up completely. I know it seems like you are sinking in the pit of hopelessness, but that’s where the hope of recovery starts. Trust me! Just do it!
2. Stop Reading in Between the Lines
That’s the second and one of the most important steps. You know when you really like someone, you stalk them on social media. We can’t help it. And I am not telling you to fight this urge. Because I know fighting this urge can make the desire stronger. Do it. But also make some rules for you. No pressure. It’s okay to break those rules.
Just remember that you made some rules for you. And try to follow them when you feel like.
Here are some ideas for you on how to fight off the urge to follow someone you like on social media-
- Select one hour of daytime for stalking. Try to fight off the urge at other times. Though you shouldn’t indulge on something that is bad for you, trying too hard can have the opposite effect. So, if you really have to stalk him or her then go do it. But try to restrain yourself other times as much as possible.
- Shift your focus to YouTube from other social media (if only the person you like but can’t have is not on YouTube). Because YouTube is more fun, educational, and distracting than other social media. It’s more time consuming too.
- Play addictive games on the phone. Addiction is a great way to forget someone. While alcohol can kill you video games can’t. So, find an addicting game and make sure you’re not too down inside the rabbit whole. Just play it whenever he or she comes to your mind.
Follow these ideas, and you will find that you are finding less time on social media, too low to stalk.
I will explain why I am encouraging you to do this. Because when you go to the profile of the person you like, you see their posts to have some hints that they are aware of your sorrow. You see a sad post on their profile, and you jump into the false assumption that somehow it is for you.
The truth is it’s not. It’s just not. They can be sorry for anything except you. Maybe they are also seeing somebody. Maybe they have some other problems in life. It’s not you. You have made him or her the center of your attention, they haven’t. That’s why they are not in your life at this moment.
3. Don’t Give Yourself False Hopes
Yeah, don’t do that to yourself. Giving yourself false hopes will only wound your heart even more. Always remember heartbreak is hard, but only you can get yourself out of it. Stop providing yourself with invalid hopes that can decelerate the process of healing.
False hopes are a trick of your brain. It gives you instant relief from the pain. When you dream of a happy future, you become desperate. You want it to happen no matter what. That’s when false hopes cloud your brain, and you are momentarily happy.
See how illusory it is? So, don’t get clouded by false hopes. They are not coming back to you.
Here are some tips on what to do when a false hope clouds your vision of reality-
- Snap out of that thought of false hope. You can wear a red elastic band on your wrist, and whenever a thought of false hope clouds your mind, pull the band. The sharp pain will not harm you but distract you from the infectious false hope.
- Give yourself valid hopes. Valid hopes are probable possibilities. Keep it simple. Like “Hopefully today I will treat myself with pizza and ice cream.” And do it. That way, you will be able to build your confidence again. You know when you are the one giving yourself options, and you are the one fulfilling it.
4. Stop Waiting for Them to Come Back
They are simply not coming back. They are not even thinking about, and the pain you are suffering. That’s the truth. Anything other than that is a lie.
Don’t beg them to come into our life. Even your begging doesn’t invoke sympathy in them. It irritates them. And if you think they don’t have the choice to choose what they want in life, it makes you appear manipulative. The last thing you want is being a manipulative boor in their eyes.
So, you should really leave them alone. I suggest you never do anything which offends the person you like, even if they say “no” to you. Just leave them be.
Try to control your behavior around them. Practice meditation to steady your mind. See them as a person you wish well. And that’s where your relationship with that person ends. There is nothing more or less to it.
5. Be Aware of Gossipers. Talk to the Right People
Always be aware of gossipers. Be careful of which people you share your personal details with. This goes for every life scenario. Be very sure who your friends are and who are sweet talking to you. We’ve all been burnt once or twice by these sorts of people at least once in our life. And if you haven’t then all I’ve got to say is you’re better off not pushing your luck.
Talking about your grief is a solution well-approved by psychologists. But before talking to anyone, find out if they are gossipers. The best friend you have known since childhood can or can’t be the most trustworthy person to share your sensitive information with. Choose who is choosing to provide you with emotional support wisely.
I am putting an emphasis on it because I have seen the consequences of choosing a not-so-trustworthy individual to spill your guts. Friendship of years has been broken apart because one friend has found out the other friend was not protecting his secrets.
So, choose the person wisely. I suggest you choose a complete stranger. Talking with a stranger can give you more relief than talking with someone, you know. Because you don’t have the fear of having your secrets shared when you talk to a stranger. Whom would they tell? To other strangers who don’t know. Does that really matter?
I will give you a more secure solution. Open an account in 7Cups; it’s a therapy app. There, you can chat with strangers without revealing your identity.
The counselor part, I mean, talking to a certified counselor on this app requires a subscription fee. But if you want to talk with anyone, you can chat with an experienced “Listener” who are not trained and certified counselors.
6. See a Psychologist
Ah! The most important step in the entire process of forgetting someone you can never have. See, there are many taboos regarding seeing a psychologist. When you casually share with your friends, they jump to the conclusion that there is something really wrong with you. Like you are some drug addict or something!
But seeing a psychologist should not be considered unusual. Look, we go to doctors when we have a fever or a persistent stomach ache, don’t we? Then why do we shy away from appointing a psychologist when our mind is having some problems, no matter how small or large the world considers it.
I know how your friends’ smirk when you tell them you are going to a psychologist for having a heartbreak. “But you didn’t have a real heartbreak. He or She was never with you.” I know how the words sprinkle salt in your already festering wounds. I have gone through it all.
But you don’t have to tell them everything. You have the misfortune to have a friend like that like I did, decrease your interactions with them. You deserve better friends.
See a psychologist if you need it. You have every right to consult an expert no matter how small or large the world regards the problem. The more you cut off judgments in your life, the more you will grow.
7. See Other People Only if You Like It
Some people will suggest you do it quickly, but I won’t. Because it entirely depends upon you. Ask yourself. If you want to see other people, then go for it.
But remember one thing. Don’t try to find someone like him or her. Firstly, because you won’t be fair to that person, comparing him or her to other people. Secondly, that way, you will never be able to move on.
That’s all. I have nothing more to say about this step. It’s completely your decision.
8. Spend Time with People You Love
That’s another effective step. Spend time with the people you love (and they love you back, of course!). When you get their love and care, the pinching feeling of being unworthy of love fades away slowly. You thought pattern changes. You realize the problem was not in you.
Plan some fun activities with the people you love. It can be going to a picnic or as simple as cooking with your parents and siblings. It can be anything. Always take the initiative by yourself. Plan elaborately. Spend a day or two by planning. Like take your parents to a surprise dinner or plan a trip with your whole family. It’s up to you.
Spend quality time with your family, friends, or whoever has a special place in your life.
9. Realize It Takes Time to Heal
That’s the most important and the last step. It takes time to heal. Give yourself time to heal.
You know, in order to hurry the process of healing, we don’t fully realize how important a factor time is! You are doing all the previous steps diligently without any mistake, but when you want to quicken the process of healing to reach your goal, you ruin it all!
So, don’t rush to heal yourself. Even after a considerable improvement, if you feel the sadness engulfing you yet again, don’t be alarmed or frustrated. It can happen again and again until you are considerably healed. I would like to say one thing here, you never forget the pain. The pain can rip through you again if you see him or her.
But the trick here is time. It takes time to heal. It takes time until you reach the point, he or she doesn’t matter to you anymore. You can’t reach the point until spending a considerable amount of time with yourself. Learn from the school of life endlessly. As you gather experience, you will know better.
You will understand that it is quite unnecessary to spend the entire grieving for a loss only you suffered. The pain you felt for the one you once held dear to your heart didn’t even notice it. Your life and happiness depend on the ones who truly love you. It’s for them you should value.
Staying Friends with Some One You Can’t Have
For some people, the friendship thing works wonders. But for some other people, it does the opposite. It really depends upon your personality and who you are.
Be friends with the person you like but can never have if you are really outgoing and love to have friends. You are more friendship-oriented than romance-oriented. A good friend is something you want first in a partner. Then go on with friendship with the person you like but never can have.
But if you are more romance-oriented, don’t go for friendship even if the other party offers. It will be hard for you to be friends with him or her. You will misinterpret his or her gestures and go on having false hopes again. Don’t fall for that. Have a cordial relationship with him or her without forming any close relationship. It doesn’t usually work.
People will judge it harshly and call you even harsher names. But you are not being harmful to anyone. Just do what makes you have mental peace. Your peace of mind is more necessary than the judgment of people.
Like everything else, the article has also come to an end. Here, I’ve shared 9 ways to stop thinking about someone you can’t have with you. Now, all you have to do is, read the steps again carefully and take notes of the most important points.
Keep that piece of paper with you always. Remind yourself of the steps repeatedly.